Prayers for Michael

Dear Reader,

I commend to you the blog of contemporary Christian musician Aaron Shust.  His wife has written a precious post there as their 4 month old son,  Michael,  is in heart surgery today. 

Please remember Michael, his parents and his medical team in your prayers.

Simply Google "Aaron Shust blog" and you will find a link.

Thank you.

When Grief Comes Home

“The hardest thing I have ever done was to help somebody let go when I really wanted her to stay.”

   These simple, yet profound, words were shared by my cousin, Annette the day after her mother died following a long illness.  Last week death became personal in the Plocher household, where Terry and I both deal with death and grief professionally on a regular, if not daily, basis.  Terry’s 47 year old cousin, Jamie, died suddenly and unexpectedly in Colorado.  My cousin, Mary Lou, died after a long and courageous battle with illness in Southern California.  Now I revisit issues and questions that are often discussed in my visits with families in our AfterCare program.  Only now, these questions are personal:

Which is easier, losing someone suddenly or having time to prepare for the death?

   My personal and professional experience teaches me that death hurts regardless of the circumstances.  Some people find comfort in knowing that their loved one went quickly and did not suffer.  However, this scenario can leave family and friends reeling in great shock or traumatized by being so suddenly torn from their loved one by death. Those who walk the journey of chronic or terminal illness with a loved one may similarly be traumatized by the suffering their loved one endures until the release of death comes.  Yet,  they have the  advantage of time to put affairs in order, speak the words of  love they long to share and complete or resolve any unfinished business in the relationship. 

   I am inclined to think that comparing sudden death and lingering death is rather like comparing apples and oranges. They are both fruit, but very different.  Sudden death and lingering death – they are both excruciating experiences of loss and grief, yet each very unique. 

How important is validation of the loss?

The beginning of healing from the pain of grief is validation of the loss you have experienced.  It begins with opening to the reality of my own loss.  I honor the pain this loss has caused me by finding ways to express what my loved one meant to me and expressing the pain it causes me when I sit with the knowledge that I will never see her again.  I express my pain outside myself, both privately and publicly, which is what it means to mourn.  In doing so, I open myself to receive the comfort, care and empathy of others.  My loss is now validated by others.  “I heal, in part, by allowing others to express their love for me.  By choosing to invite others into my journey, I move toward health and healing.  If I hide from others, I hide from healing.”  (from Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.)  Moving from shock and denial to opening to the pain of my loss and to the care of others is the beginning of the journey of grief.

   Terry never met Mary Lou and had not fully appreciated how much this loss meant to me.  I had to take some initiative to share that with him and to open to the care he then could show me.  Opening to the pain of our loss is never easy, but it is important.

How do I help someone who is mourning?

   The last time I spoke to my cousin I promised her I would embrace her family, especially her daughters to whom I am closest) with care and comfort after her death.   Typically, I would encourage people to simply be there with a hug, a shoulder, a hot dish, a special remembrance.  Now I am frustrated by my desire to hug, to hold, to cry with –because so many miles separate us.  I trust the Lord to receive all the love I hold in my heart for my cousins and touch them with the assurance that they are not alone in this time.  I know I will find ways to give my love and prayers hands and feet in the weeks and months to come.  This is the question I would encourage you to consider when you want to help someone who is grieving:  How can you take the love and concern you have for that person and make it real?  Give it hands and feet?  Meet them where they are.  Accept them as they are.  Don’t try to fix them.  Listen.  Learn.  Love.

Does the pain ever go away?  Will I ever get over it?

   When a loved one dies our lives are forever changed.  In that sense, no, we never “get over it.”  However, it is possible to choose to live even though our loved one has died.  With some help from our friends and a willingness to engage what arguably will be the hardest work we  will ever face – the work of grief- we can integrate this painful experience into our life.  The intense feelings of grief can soften with time.  The waves of grief that once knocked us right off our feet come less frequently and hit us with less impact.  “Mourning never really ends.  Only as time goes on, it erupts less frequently.”  (Anonymous)

   As you are able, allow yourself to embrace hope.  The best expression of hope I have read is by Jean Kerr who writes, “Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have is not permanent.”  Embrace the hope that it won’t hurt this bad forever.  Embrace the hope that God still has good things planned for you.  Embrace the hope that there is still beauty in the world, even if the depression you feel today is coloring your world in shades of gray.  And above all, embrace the hope that we will one day be reunited with our loved ones in eternity, by grace, through faith.

   Mary Lou’s daddy died in a hunting accident when she was just 7 years old.  She “grew up” in my grandparent’s home, playing with my mom as they were nearly the same age.  So many long years she missed her Daddy.  While our hearts ache to lose her we believe there is a joyous reunion in heaven taking place.  Mary Lou, now free from pain and the constraints of  this life is once again with her mom and her daddy. 

Grace and Peace,

Robyn

To learn more about grief and mourning, visit www.centerforloss.com or www.griefinc.com

“All our enemies have opened their mouth wide against us.
 We have suffered terror and pitfalls, ruin and destruction.”
 Streams of tears flow from my eyes because my people are destroyed.
 My eyes will flow unceasingly, without relief, until the LORD looks down
   from heaven and sees.   (Lamentations 3:46-50)

GRIEF IS NORMAL

In the “old days”, when some of us were starting school, they still talked about the
“Three Rs” of “reading, ‘riting and ‘rithmetic”.  Similarly, I have often spoken of the three N’s of Grief, that grief  is Normal, Natural and even Necessary.

It is normal to experience the pain of grief.  Grief is the name for all those intense feelings we experience at a time of loss, whether that is the loss by death of a loved one, the loss of security after becoming the victim of a crime, or the loss of independence that may accompany the aging process or serious illness. 

 All experiences of grief are unique.  There are many factors that influence how one experiences the pain of their loss.  The nature of your relationship with the person who died, the circumstances under which they died, unfinished business between you, your unique personality and many other factors will color the experience of grief and mourning.  What we do know for sure is that there is no right or wrong way to experience grief, there is only your unique experience of loss and grief.   Your feelings are all okay.  We should never be ashamed of our feelings of grief.  They are a reflection of the image of God in us and of our capacity to love. 

It is natural to grieve.  Stoicism is not natural.  We are made in the image of God and as emotional beings.  Our Creator is capable of anger, disappointment, sorrow and regret as well as compassion, joy, hope and delight.  The word “bereaved” literally means “to be torn”.  Death tears our loved ones from us.   It is natural, even for persons of faith, to mourn the reality that they will never again see, hear or hold their loved one again in this life.  The Psalms are filled with heart wrenching cries of God’s people who mourned for their nation, mourned the infirmity of their own bodies, and mourned the deaths of both body and soul.  The Old Testament book of Lamentations (perhaps one of the most overlooked books of scripture for Christians) is literally a book of laments in what I imagine to be the wails and moans of a people in agony over the death of their loved ones and destruction of the life they once knew.  Even Jesus, at the tomb of Lazarus, was moved to tears – not some dignified dabbing of tears at the corner of his eye, but deep and wrenching sobs.

But is grief necessary?  Those intense feelings of grief are natural and come unbidden, often in waves that wash over us months or even years after a loss.  What is necessary is mourning, the outward and sometimes public expression of those feelings.  Sorrow is a feeling associated with grief.  Shared tears are our way of mourning.  Anger is an emotion of grief.  Writing about our anger in a journal is a way of mourning.   Depression is one emotion associated with grief.  Honoring our loved one's memory by lighting a candle, participating in a memory walk, or making a donation to an organization they supported or benefited from are all ways of turning grief into healthy mourning.  It has been said that we must mourn well so that we can live well. 

When the intense feelings of grief get “stuffed” and pushed down over and over again within us, never to be outwardly expressed, they can cause us real harm.  Persons with unresolved loss experiences can become ill, sometimes seriously so.   Others may turn to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain they can no longer deny.  Some experience relationship problems or become irritable and bitter. 

You are loved with an eternal love.  Your Heavenly Father understands (truly) your need to grieve and mourn.  But hope is also real.  New life is not a pipe dream, it is a real possibility.  Seek the support you need for your time of bereavement.  Join a support group.  Lean on the people you know you can really trust to be there with unconditional acceptance.  Lean on your faith.   The journey is long, far longer than most people realize, and it is not easy.  But you can discover that new life – a new normal of hope and even happiness that no longer includes the physical presence of your loved one.

In our grief support group we begin each meeting by lighting three candles:  one is in gratitude for the relationship we shared with our loved one in the past; one is for the relationship of memory we share with our loved one now; and one is for the hope of being reunited with our loved one again in the future. 

 May such gratitude and hope be part of your unique journey of grief, today and always.

Concerning Children and Grief- Did You Know?

Did You Know? 

According to the US Social Security Administration, 1.9 million youth under the age of 18 have lost one or both parents.

A parent’s death usually makes a severe impact on the child, research shows.  After losing a parent, 85% of children exhibit such symptoms as difficulty sleeping, angry outbursts, worry, depression, bed-wetting, and thumb-sucking.  After a year, more regressive behaviors may fade, but other problems, such as lack of confidence and preoccupation with illness, are likely to continue. (Barr-Harris Children’s Grief Center of Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis as reported in Chicago Tribune Magazine.)

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, one out of every 20 children age 15 and younger will suffer the loss of one or both parents.  These statistics do not account for the number of children who lose a “parental figure,” such as a grandparent or other relative that provide care.

The number of single parent homes has skyrocketed, displacing many children in this country.  Approximately 30% of U.S. families are now being headed by a single parent, and in 80% of those families, the mother is the sole parent.  The United States is the world’s leader in fatherless families.  Father absence contributes to crime and delinquency.  Violent criminals are overwhelmingly males who grew up without fathers. (U.S. Census Bureau report)

Lastly, children of divorced parents are seven times more likely to suffer from depression in adult life than people of similar age and background whose parents have not divorced.  (Study by Bernard Lerer and Ofer Agid of the Biological Psychiatric Unit at Hadassah Hospital, Jerusalem, as reported in Molecular Psychiatry, 1999)

These facts are discouraging.  However, we should not despair.  As a society we have made great strides in understanding the impact of loss on grief on children’s lives.  Places like Rick’s House of Hope, local hospice organizations and others provide services for grieving children, including support groups and camp experiences.  It now falls to you – the parent, the grandparent, the aunt or uncle to reach out for the help that is there for the child you love.  It’s okay to ask for help.  You can’t do this alone.  You are hurting, too.  Good luck and God bless. Keep reading to learn more about Rick’s House of Hope!!! 

Celebrating Rick's House of Hope

   On Saturday, February 4^th, nine members of the Reinbeck United Methodist Church travelled to Davenport, Iowa for a Mission/Work Day at Rick’s House of Hope-Center for Grieving and Traumatized Children.  The mission of RHOH is to make sure the needs of grieving and traumatized youth are not overlooked.  This mission is very dear to my heart.  You see, in 1999 when RHOH was founded it was the culmination of a dream and vision I had carried in my heart for over a decade.  Rick’s House of Hope was my creation and I served as Founding Director for seven years.  

   Rick’s House of Hope began as a seed of an idea when our son was born with a serious, congenital heart defect.  As we struggled through the earliest days of Richie’s life wondering just what the future would really hold I was keenly aware of how devastated I would be if my baby did not survive.  I could not imagine how I would ever help our daughter, then just three years old, with that kind of loss.  I began to think “there out to be a place” where children suffering the loss of a parent or sibling could go to find the support their grieving parents likely could not give.  I started pursuing continuing education courses on grief and bereavement, and whenever possible, courses about children and grief.

   Years passed.  We had many scares and many trips to the emergency room with Richie.  Eventually and over the course of time he has received three cardiac ablations through the University of Iowa Hospital.  Overall, however, God has been good and Richie has been a blessing to our family every day.  He has made us laugh more than we could imagine.  He has shown grace and strength when we would have crumbled.  Yes, God has been good.

   Had I tried to force the vision of a children’s grief center on my timeline, I’m quite sure RHOH would not have been the success that it has been.  God unfolded the dream in His time.  I kept learning; kept dreaming; kept gaining professional experience.  One day in the Bettendorf Public Library I sat down to play around with this new thing everyone was talking about –The Internet.  On the desk was a large book, like a Yellow Pages Directory.  You could literally look up websites by subject.  I looked up “children and grief” and discovered there were a few places around the country doing just what I had been dreaming of.  Erin’s House in Indiana and Dougy Center in Oregon were especially exciting to read about.  I moved out of the dream phase and into concrete planning.  

Some Thoughts on Self-Care

Grief can be lonely, but you are loved.
You are NOT alone.  Please take care of yourself.

We all live very stressful lives.  I bet you could name five major stressors in your life right now, off the top of your head without even thinking.  Grief and mourning are very special kinds of stressors, and like all stress grief can impact our bodies, our thoughts, our feelings and our  behavior.  Most people expect grief to affect their emotional and spiritual well-being. However, many do not appreciate the physical impact of grief and loss.

The website of Mayo Clinic describes the following physical effects of stress:
headache
muscle ache
generalized tension or pain
chest pain
fatigue
changes in sexual drive
stomach pain or nausea

Emotional and behavioral symptoms of stress have a direct impact on our physical well-being.  Consider the following:

Stress's impact on mood
anxiety
restlessness
lack of motivation
trouble concentrating
irritability & anger
sadness & depression

Stress's impact on  behavior
Over-eating or under-eating
Outbursts of anger
Drug or alcohol abuse
Tobacco use
Social withdrawal

You may not even realize that stress is a factor in the difficulties you are experiencing.  And if you have any concerns about physical symptoms you are experiencing you should always check with your physician.

In recent months I have grown increasingly concerned about the physical illnesses, some quite serious, that grieving persons I care for have experienced.  Then one of my friends shared with me her recent recurrence of cancer.  This friend has endured the sudden death of her mother and the extended illness and death of her father in less than two years time.  These losses left her reeling and caused her to make some major changes in her commitments and daily activities.  In the midst of her pain and exhaustion she neglected to keep important doctor's appointments.  Just a couple months after her father's death her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  This prompted her to go in for her own  routine check up, only to discover that she was experiencing a recurrence of her own cancer, diagnosed now as a Stage 3 cancer.

My friend attributes this cancer recurrence to the stress of care-giving and grief.  The combination of the physical impact of the stress of grief along with neglecting vital doctor's appointments put her in a very precarious situation.  I am pleased to report that after surgery (two large incisions) and many diagnostic tests and procedures my friend has been told she is again cancer-free.

Her outcome was ultimately a positive one.  Her message and experience is too important not to share.

While grief can leave you  reeling in uncertainty and confusion, you are loved. Your life is so meaningful to others and you are a person of worth with a mission to accomplish.  Please take care of yourself.  It is an investment that only you can make.

Watch for more information about Self-Care during times of Grief and Mourning coming soon!   

The Reason for the Season

    Christmas is just three days away!  It's an exciting time for children of all ages and a sacred time for Christians around the world.  Yet in the hustle and bustle of preparing for Christmas - costumes for the Sunday School program, shopping, baking, planning meals, traveling -  I am reminded that life keeps right on moving.  The terrible tsunami of a few years ago was a remarkable reminder that life goes on even as we pause to celebrate the birth of the Savior.  Sadly, natural disasters hit on or around Christmas.  Soldiers on the battlefield do not necessarily lay down their weapons on December 24th.  Loved ones receive frightening diagnosis and even die on or about December 25th.  I know.  A friend died this week.  I will go to his funeral visitation tomorrow.  Another friend just told me she has been diagnosed with stage 3 melanoma.  She awaits the next appointment with the oncologist to see what the future holds for her.
    Life doesn't stop because the calendar says December 25th.  I am reminded of the funeral liturgy used in our church.  The opening words say this:  "In the midst of life, we are in death."  (UM Book of Worship) And so it is true.
   What does that mean for us at Christmas?  Acknowledging the truth that in the midst of life we are in death holds an invitation to go deeper with our Christmas celebration.  I most assuredly enjoy the lights and decorating the tree.  I love the music of the season, from the sacred and sublime (think "O, Holy Night') to the silly (think The Chipmunks), I love it all.  I stress a bit over making beds up and preparing meals, but I love having family together.  I even love giving and receiving gifts (and I'm not ashamed to admit it). 
    But the reason for the season goes so much deeper than music and lights and family togetherness.  The reason for the season is Jesus.  It is his birthday, not mine.  Not yours.  Why do we celebrate his birth now, over 2000 years later?  Because the reason for the season is the difference he makes in our lives.
    Miraculously conceived by a virgin?  Okay.  Angels told of his birth?  Magi came to worship him?  Granted.  However, as Christians we always remember and retell the story of his birth looking back through the lens of his death and resurrection.  That he was God's greatest gift to humanity and that we shunned the gift and destroyed it--this is what gives his life - and Christmas - it's meaning.  That after we shunned and destroyed the gift of God, God still loved us enough to transform his death into our chance for eternal life--this is what gives Christmas it's meaning. 
   And when cancer, death, natural disasters and the like invade our lives even in this sacred season of Christmas time, it is in remembering the true reason for the season that we find our strength, our comfort and our hope. 
 
Blessings to you and all those you cherish at Christmas! 

Robyn